Proverbs 16:4

‎"The Lord has made everything for its own purpose, even the wicked for the day of evil."

So God made evil people himself? This means that the devil is merely providing the temptation, but God made it so that certain people will definitely give in.

Judges 1:20

‎"The LORD was with the people of Judah, and they took possession of the hill country. But they failed to drive out the people living in the plains, who had iron chariots."

So God couldn't defeat the iron chariots? What happened? He destroyed a wall and killed 27,000 people with it in Joshua, and now he can't defeat some chariots?

Matthew 27:51-53

‎"At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart,and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead. They left the cemetery after Jesus' resurrection, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people."

So zombies appeared right after Jesus died. Thing is, he didn't resurrect for another three days, so did the revived holy people simply sit around outside their tombs until then?

Genesis 19:31-35

‎"And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose."

Apparently incest with your father is alright as long as he's drunk and you're ugly!

Ezekiel 23:19-20

‎"She remembered how she had been a prostitute in Egypt when she was young. So she took part in even more prostitution. She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses."

I had no idea Ron Jeremy lived in Egypt 2500 years ago!

Deuteronomy 15:16-17

‎"But suppose your servant says, 'I will not leave you,' because he loves you and your family, and he has done well with you. In that case, take an awl and push it through his earlobe into the door. After that, he will be your servant for life. And do the same for your female servants."

An awl is basically a big spike. This sounds more like a cautionary tale for servants if you ask me.
"I'd better not get too attached to this family or they'll stab me in my ear and i'll be stuck to the door for a week."

Leviticus 21:18-20

‎"No man who has any defect is to come near: no man who is blind, lame, facially disfigured, or deformed; no man who has a broken foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has an eye defect, a festering rash, scabs, or a crushed testicle."

This is God talking to Moses. What exactly does God have against people with crushed balls?

Exodus 32:27-28

‎"And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour. And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. ."

If you read carefully, the people Moses is killing are the ones he had just saved from Egypt.

Deuteronomy 28:53

‎"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body; the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters."

We already saw one like this, but it's just repeated so many times that it's ridiculous. Maybe God inspired the Donner Party.

Exodus 21:7

‎"When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are."

However if she gets married to her master, her must treat her as a daughter.
... Wait, what?

Exodus 4:24-26

‎"At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it. “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she said. So the Lord let him alone."

It's not explained why God wants to kill Moses here, but then, it's not explained why having chopped-up weenie-bits poking his feet made Moses free.

Leviticus 26:29

‎"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat"

YUMMY!

Exodus 32:20

 "And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it."

Note that this isn't talking about a normal calf, but one made of bronze. What exactly did Moses have against the kids to make them drink that?

1 Samuel 18:27

‎"David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king's son-in-law.”

I have to wonder what the king did with them.

Genesis 9:20-21

‎"After the flood, Noah began to cultivate the ground, and he planted a vineyard. One day he drank some wine he had made, and he became drunk and lay naked inside his tent."

I think that's WAY too much information.

2 Kings 2:24

"When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number."

Sad thing is, He cursed and killed the children because they were calling him 'baldie' behind his back.

Deuteronomy 21:20-21

‎"And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he shall die: so shalt thou put evil away from you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear"

So be wary, drunk and greedy people - your parents can get the entire city to kill you!